Hope and Brokenness – what draws me to God

Hope is something I cling to, in fact I wear a necklace round my neck spelling it out, a gift from my sister who knows how important it is to me. I often hold the necklace in my hand when I’m praying or if I am having a difficult day, as it is a reminder to look for hope in my life and in the world around me.

I have recently been reflecting on the verse in 1 Peter 3: 15 “always be prepared to give an answer for the Hope that you have” and trying to find a way of articulating why it is so important it me. This is my attempt at an answer.

In order to give an honest answer I first need to make a confession; you see my confession is that I have always felt a bit broken; sometimes really broken, sometimes only a little, but always a bit broken.

My brokenness comes from a great but, at times, erratic childhood lived in the shadow of Bipolar disorder.  It comes from memories of a long ago violent and destructive relationship with an ex-boyfriend that, while long since buried in the history archives of my life, sometimes still visits me in my dreams or as an unwelcome flashback that always knocks me slightly sideways. It comes from a dark cloud that at times looms over me, the black dog of depression and anxiety that intermittently scratches at my door and occasionally gets in. It come from grief and loss; lost dreams, lost friendships, and the deep and painful loss of people I love.

I know I am not the only one, I know lots of people feel the same, different experiences but a bit broken none the less.

The ‘Hope I have’ springs from that place, because I find God to be a God who walks with the broken and so He walks with me, and as He does so He shows me that ‘Broken’ is not all of me.

What draws me to Jesus is a God who is with me, and who helps day by day and bit by bit to remake me, to restore me. I am not ashamed of my scars, of the brokenness that exists within me but it is not all of me, it is not my identity, it is not all of who I am. God shows me that.

What draws me to Jesus is a promise that I can be and am being restored, that healing is indeed possible, I experience it in my life – not as an immediate lightning bolt but in the day to day life of journeying with Christ, bit by bit together. It is this relationship that sustains me and gives me hope. It is sometimes exhilarating, it is sometimes exhausting and painful, it is often found in the encounters and interactions I have with others, but most importantly it is deeply transformational and at the core of my being.

It is the mystery of faith that I do not have the words to adequately describe; but it is an invitation, not to a set of beliefs, but to participation in a community of hope, where we are all invited into a relationship with a God who loves us. It is a relationship which not only enables our own healing but encourages us to play our part with Him in the healing and flourishing of our world.